Lena says: The Hills Have Eyes is the worst movie I have ever seen

This is the third installment in what has become a rather long running series. Readers were asked to ponder the question, “What is the worst movie you have ever seen?” Each film is given its due and its baditude is assessed. This submission is from Lena who has never seen a movie more horrendous than the original version of The Hills Have Eyes.

It is clear that Wes Craven was working on a strict budget during the filming of The Hills Have Eyes. He is unable to sync the audio with the visuals and he repeatedly uses stock footage of birds and planes. Now, a small budget does not always equal a bad film; all that is needed is a little bit of intelligence behind the camera (anyone who has seen George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead can attest that a few dollars can make an utterly horrifying movie).
Craven, who is no George Romero, attempts to produce a full on gore fest with pocket change. He is careful to shove all the atmospheric accoutrements of the genre at us in the first three minutes of film; droning synth music, a creepy gas station attendant, dogs acting strangely etc. Because the management of the movie (which Craven also wrote and edited) is done without a hint of virtuosity, these elements come off as even more obvious. The film has such a slipshod veneer that really scary stuff (i.e. a guy getting crucified on a cactus) just look dumb.

TOTAL SIDEBAR: Why is it that the blood in the low budget horror films of the 70s and 80s is always so grossly discolored? How expensive can red food coloring be? It seems that blood is an integral element of the genre. It is hard to maintain the suspension of disbelief when liquid the color of Tang oozes from wounds.

The story, an unsuspecting family breaks down in the middle of the desert only to by terrorized by a group of crazies who have been exposed to radiation, has some potential. Right around the one hour mark there is a string of engaging events that make the film seem like it may be redeemed. This is followed, however, by forty minutes of almost nonsensical action (including an homage to Lassie and a chase that looks like it was taken straight out of Kojak, complete with funky soundtrack) that rambles on until the films abrupt conclusion. The concept that the killers are the by-product of nuclear testing is not explored in an interesting way. A George Romero could have capitalized on the viewers’ fear of nuclear disaster and taken the film out of the gutter. Craven just lets this element lie alongside all of his other lame ideas.
The performances are, for the most part, generically bad. The only standout performance is that of Robert Houston as Bobby Jr., the plucky young lad who fights back when his family is attacked. Houston’s performance is oddly atrocious. As the movie progresses his reactions to events seem to fit less and less to the point where it feels as if he is acting in another movie (upon realizing his mother has been killed he says “Oh” as if he just got a C- on a spelling test). His complete lack of ability quickly becomes the most engrossing element of the movie in the way that a three car pile-up is engrossing.

ANOTHER TOTAL SIDEBAR: Robert Houston went on to become an Oscar winning documentary filmmaker tackling the subjects of AIDS and Civil Rights.

There are people who stand behind this movie; who claim that it is a killer grindhouse horror flick. The reason that many grindhouse films are great is that they manage to produce at least moments of originality regardless of the pressures of budget or shooting schedule. There is nothing in The Hills Have Eyes that hasn’t been done better, and possibly cheaper, by others.

FINAL TOTAL SIDEBAR: It should be noted that many big budget movies have aped Craven's unoriginal ideas to create even less original effects. Beyond the recent remake (and its sequel)there was also the debacle of a film called Wrong Turn (2003) which gave its group of mutants awesome tree climbing abilities. Now that is original.